This kind of anxiety accumulation eventually led to my mental devastation. I blamed myself every time I couldn’t reach my high standard. I stayed up until 3:00 am a lot to write up papers and sacrificed countless weekends for work - my only goal was to get things done. I had an average GPA 3.85 in my sophomore year, as a social science major. It’s unavoidable to stay up late or have a really intense schedule in this case. I know it sounds hard when you have lots of work to do. I hope my advice is helpful for people who share similar experience as myself. I feel obligated to write down something, not only as a self-reflection, but also for everyone who has suffered. But there are people who never get a chance to see the bright world I see now. Thanks to my friends, family, and people who cared about me, luckily, depression finally left at the end of last semester. While my cousins had succumbed to the words of their parents, I decided I wanted to take a chance at learning from their mistakes. Then I remember that Vignesh suffers from acute panic attacks, Bhupen eats his feelings and Talia has cystic acne from all the stress she had from high school though medical school. Back to isolation in the car, I hear that Vignesh, Bhupen and Talia all became doctors in the month of October.
My life is like a seesaw that’s tipped to one side permanently due to the pressure, stress and schoolwork I take home every day. Then, I realized that I am working now to have the opportunity to work even harder in a competitive college and then finally work for the rest of my life at a job that I might loathe because my parents chose it for me. It enabled me to focus on my school work 24/7, so I could get into college. Of course, when I brought this issue up with my parents, they thought that having virtually zero contact with people my age outside of school (unless they had a perfect SAT score) was good for me. While I had superficial relationships with almost everyone at my school, I missed out on forming the authentic friendships that could only be forged outside a classroom setting.
I was without an order, purpose and truly out of real friends. A floater is someone without a true “group” of friends who goes from one group to the next feeling like the awkward library book someone picked up, didn’t want and randomly shoved back into the shelf. Soon, the lies started catching up to me, and I became the dreaded floater. Instead of a real explanation that would be extremely lame, to spare myself from social suicide, I created the crazy fantasy that I already had other plans - not just with my biology textbook. When my Caucasian friends asked the dreaded question, “Well, why won’t they let you?” I never knew where to start because I didn’t even know why my parents wouldn’t let me go to the movies or go ice skating. I couldn’t even go to study session without an interview and a mock trial by my parents.
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